Life Narratives

6/30/2024

I am blessed to have all of my five senses. As my faith grows and I continue to write–I am more aware of my surroundings and focus on others’ needs and my own.

Some individuals with severe anxiety are taught to use coping strategies to tap into their senses to refocus their Fears and PTSD. (In the past), I added to the following technique.

1) Look at 5 different things around them.

2) Listen to 4 different sounds .

3) Touch 3 different objects.

4) Taste 2 foods.

5) Smell 1 sweet fragrance.

Over the past few years I am constantly taking in everything–good and bad. Fortunately, growing older has taught me to turn the negative into positive.

Mostly I find beauty, peace, love and light in: God, nature, animals, good people, music, literature, healthy foods and drinks, exercise, the arts, old and unique buildings, old and new treasures, and so on.

My ancestry is from: English, French, Irish, and Native American ( which was silenced from my history). As I search to find myself: My Tribe, Oneida, born in Oneonta, NY. God places me in the right places at the right times to see, hear, taste, touch and listen to my people, other nationalities, and our country (The United States of America). I am lifted up more each day and I grow stronger. I strive to teach these lessons to others, my son and his children someday.

As I sit on my front porch and write this blog, we’re protected by Grandmother Spider and her Spun Web between our new table and chair. I smile and appreciate her wisdom. On the left side of my laptop is a Turtle Ceramic Planter . Originally it held beautiful healing flowers from Lisk’s Florist. I spotted it at LCHS ( outside the auxiliary gift shop) and knew God meant for me to buy it for my Dad while he was hospitalized. After my Father returned home, I knew my Christian Sister/Friend would plant a special succulent with her Godly Hands and Heart. The Turtle symbolizes in the Native American culture– Creation and the Planet/Mother Earth on her Back. She is strong and teaches us to slowdown when we eat meals and share stories at our new table.

I cherish the Eastern Direction where our home was built. Today it faces the brightness and warmth of the sun, blue skies and sounds of gentle breezes in the St. Stephen’s Church Trees. The air smells clean like a healthy small town. I taste my snack of local blueberries and sliced almonds. While sipping my Plexus drink. All part of my Day 1 of my 3 Day Fast. I am lighter. I barely hear the birds now because the busy traffic passes by while Pandora Contemporary Christian plays from my phone. The flowers in our hanging baskets on our porch and over at the church in the ground and planters make me happy. Driving today to worship at my church, ALF in Boonville, I spotted my favorite wildflower, The Black-Eyed Susan. I usually pick a few for my home in the summer. This year I dream and vision my male friend picking and surprising me with 3 of these flowers, 1 flower or even a petal. It would be a good sign of a new or continued love. We will see; God has everything in our lives planned out.

Thank you to God for humbling my heart and allowing me to love my past ancestors, present sisters, brothers and children.

Amen!!!

1. Today is my dear friend’s birthday–I have been praying over him for awhile as others have too. Our prayers are being answered.

2. I continue to sing joyfully, sometimes softly and sometimes loudly.

3. Most things I do and see are through significant numbers and gifts in nature.

4. I reminisce, stay focused, grow, dream and become more aware through my prayers, storytelling, song, teaching and writing.

5. Writing and faith continue to make me listen more keenly and lovingly.

6. Nourish my mind with good people who honestly understand my heart, body, mind and soul . My tribe is huge and grows massive everyday. They want to hear my stories and help me continue to heal and get stronger. Everyday for the rest of my life!!! They guide and protect me from the negative and jealous individuals. These evildoers do not have God’s love in their hearts and want to continue to verbally abuse me by talking about my private details of my life especially when I am in the same room as them. These lost people find me entertaining, lie to me , make rude comments about me and so on. I walk away smiling and holding my head high to Heaven.

7. I will continue to weather the storms and rejoice at the victories of God!

AMEN—-Numbers and Psalms

This morning I slept in until 4:30 a.m. and my Dad is starting to sleep better after being home from the hospitals too. Although my Dad and I have weathered the storms and hardships we have grown much stronger–independently and as Father and Daughter. My Dad, Dog and I are getting back into our routines: with shorter Public Home Health Nurse, OT and PT visits from Lewis County Health System (hospital), Doctor Appointments and Personal Appointments. We appreciate them helping my Dad , but all of it can be exhausting.

Today is Friday the start to the weekend. First Full Day of Summer. Normally, I would be super happy to successfully finish up teaching at Beaver River Central School and taking more time to relax and do more of my own activities with family, friends and myself. I almost finished this school year, but at the moment, caring for my Dad is my full-time responsibility, now.

The school has been good to me as I returned to teaching there almost seven years ago. I finally feel appreciated, respected and safe working there. If the time and when the time is right, I know I will always be welcomed back. It is good and a healthy environment for me. As for this weekend, we are excited to relax and do more of our own activities.

Dad has always been here for my: older sister, my son, his family, friends, neighbors and I. He will continue to do so until he takes his last breath. My Dad has passed on his love and caring trait to me. I am honored, grateful and blessed to have these gifts and pass them onto my son.

Back to our morning routine today, eating separate breakfasts because I usually eat earlier than Dad. Allowing him to prepare his own breakfast again with some assistance from me, only if needed or he asks for my help. The love is felt deeply throughout our home especially in the kitchen. Everything has slowed down. We both need and feel this even our dog.

My Dad goes back to his front, left room. Years ago maybe it was a living room with the fireplace that is no longer usable. He dozes, listens to the radio, works on a word search and gazes out his windows.

I finish cleaning up the kitchen. While doing these chores– I pause or something will catch my eye out our back bay window like the birds: eating from our feeders, the ground and drinking out of our bird bath. The squirrels and blue jays quickly eat up the peanuts in their shells. In the past, I would get mad at the pigeons coming from the back farm and hogging up the sunflower seeds and pooping all over “everything.” Over the past couple of years the birds, squirrels, rabbits and chipmunks have worked it out to all get along and share something to eat and drink.

The rain then starts and I am happy to see it naturally water our lawn, flowers, trees, and raised beds. I go upstairs and shower and dress for the day. I hear my dog barking downstairs. I use a gentle voice to ease his anxiety and need to protect our home. Could it be a cat passing through our backyard. People and maybe they are walking their dogs out front. Traffic passing or stopping to park out front to walk to the corner convenient store, Slider’s. A neighbor mowing. A funeral at St. Stephen’s Church. Folks going into the bank.

When I descend the stairs, I take my dog out back on his leash attached to the porch rocker swing. Another one of Dad’s handy projects designed for hopefully short bathroom breaks for our dog and us. Normally, he is walked out back in the yard. He starts to bark again, and I look up and spot a man with an old push mower–mowing our lawn. We smile at one another and I am more than grateful for his neighborly love and kindness. It was God’s perfect timing like always.

We go inside and I walk into my Father’s Room. He gives me a puzzled look and without speaking, I tell him our dog is barking because a neighbor or neighborly man is mowing our yard ( even as the rain comes down harder). He takes out his money in his money clip, and before he speaks again, I softly say, “No.” You have done enough these past 11 years that we have lived together here in our Croghan home. During the sometimes long, six months of winter in NNY , Dad would start up his John Deere tractor/snowblower/mower. He worked hard to save up for it for himself, but also my son and I to use someday, if he is not here. After Dad cleared out our driveway; he would do the main sidewalk stripe from Slider’s down to the corner of the Basselin House. Sometimes if the storm or snow was too heavy, or no one cleared a path for people to walk on the sidewalk–he would do the job expecting nothing in returning except maybe a “Thank You.” Some of our good neighbors made us tasty baked goods, gave us local cheeses, may have grabbed a shovel and or used their hand-push snowblowers to assist as the storm continued or later on. We enjoyed the gifts and conversations, but most importantly, Dad appreciated the words of, “Thank You.” Dad asked me to get the gentleman’s name and I said not now, we will see him pass our home while sitting together on our front parch or me walking in the Village of Croghan.

Dad told me they worked hard on his family farm growing up in the Catskills in Stamford, N.Y. on Churchill Road/Mountain. Some of his siblings and him also took outside jobs and still attended the Rural Stamford Public School, played sports, hung out with friends, etc…. Here on the farm, his parents taught him and his siblings to always help a neighbor even if they probably could not afford it. They probably gave with their crops, hands, hearts and inviting friends to their dinner table. There was always enough to share.

I have always carried my Dad’s kind-heart through life and will continue to do so until I pass on to heaven. I am a Giver too. Thank you Dad!

I Love You Very Much! Your Grandson, My Son, also Carry Your Spirit!

I woke up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom in our upstair’s bathroom. I looked off to the left (south-west direction and smiled seeing the orange hue(aura) around the almost full moon. When I returned alone to my front (east-side) bedroom, I knew I would not fall back to sleep. Instead I stretched, prayed and did Reiki on myself and sent out the light and prayers to our home, village, state, country, world, universe and heavens. The prayers and Reiki have been returned to us by believers and non-believers who practice good prayers in nature.

This past winter the weather was mild; however, extremely, depressing because we had no sunshine for the whole month of January. The weather was documented by a Kindergarten classroom where I taught and hope to return to someday, if possible. I felt alone like many others.

Like Maya Angelou her voice was silent as she was sexually abused as a child, but grew stronger through her years of education, healing, life experiences and growing into a beautiful soul. Hearing her testimony and poetry read-aloud by herself at Canandaigua Community College opened my heart, mind and soul. I was no longer alone.

During that time I attended SUNY Plattsburgh for my Bachelor’s Degree with a Major in English Literature and Minor in Women’s Studies (all of the isms). I was discouraged to follow my dreams of concentrating on Written English because three of my professors didn’t teach or show me how to become a better writer. They advised me to sell my writing ideas and have someone else write my stories and also to not pursue teaching Secondary Education English.

My whole life– I have loved writing stories, journal entries, poetry, personal narratives, etc…. I have always had great teachers support my voice through my writing. Sometimes life gets in the way and I don’t make writing a daily priority. Earlier in the week, a Croghan friend and retired school teacher whom I worked with over the years, listened to me share my increased caretaking of my Father. She ended the conversation on a note –Keep writing. We both smiled as I wiped the sweat of my brow from the heat and humidity and headed back to our own vehicles. Before I crossed the street, I turned back towards her direction and motioned with a circle around my head and spoke out loud, the ideas are always there–I just need to make the time to write and I will.

I took the extra time for myself this morning –showering, shaving and getting dressed quietly upstairs in our third bathroom this early morning. Through prayer I have learned to walk more gently in our home and to not wake anyone or my dog.

I descend our steep stairs in our old home from the Victorian Era. Our home is older than the Basselin House, but right next door. I feel the Good Christian Spirits that have lived in this home. Our home now. My father will pass to heaven in this home when it is his time. I will also pass on in our home many years from now.

My dog quietly greets me at the door when I open it into our living room where he sleeps. Every morning he sneezes two or three times and I say God Bless You over him. I tell him be very, very quiet like the Bugs Bunny cartoon and not wake anyone sleeping in our home and not to chase all of the wild bunnies in our small backyard. Most of the time he listens to me when he is outside going the bathroom. We both enjoy this quiet time Spring turning into Summer (New Growth, Change, Storms More Sunlight, and More Energy). He sniffs around under our raised beds, young blue spruce tree and our shared pine tree with the Basselin House neighbors (cats and bunny scents). Sometimes while taking him out we go for short walks in the Village of Croghan.

This morning at dawn with the sun shining a pink light, wearing my father’s old slip on shoes , the air was less heavy and no humidity, I lowered my right or left arm from giving thanks to the highest cross beaming over our home at the St. Stephen’s Church . Thanking God for this new day and saying out loud, “God is Good All the Time, and When God is Good it is All the Time.’ I speak to my dog…let’s go for a walk or walkie-talkie.

He is smart and together we stroll slowly down the main street of the village spotting no one or dogs out. Although we don’t walk all around the whole main street–I closely look at the old Basselin House, Bank, Grocery Store, Post Office, Apartment Buildings, Feed Mill Ice Cream/Bike Shop, Train Station, Grocery Store, Library, Fire Department, Farms, Homes and so on. A few years ago the Village Mayor dressed in an old black Victorian dress and hat and gave a historical walking tour of our village. My eyes, spirit and love for this village after taking almost 20 years of living up here was on fire and continues to burn more and more each day as the locals finally accept me and I accept them back. I have proven myself again, been forgiven, as I forgive many and still do.

When our walk ended and my dog and I crossed the street back to our home, I saw the white glowing light shine behind my Father’s white shear curtain. My mouth was dry and I was ready for our first cup of coffee.

My Dad being on oxygen 24/7 the past 5 years, slows us down to a good pace. We eat slower and talk about the past, present and future. Together we teach these lessons to my young adult son and girlfriend when they visit us. My son is smart, intuitive, kind, a dreamer, well-balanced and forgiving too.

As I drink some of my coffee in our open kitchen and living room , I bring out a cup of black coffee with two spoonfuls of sugar to my Dad sitting in his wood twig (Native American) chair made by a past boyfriend of mine years ago. The air is less heavier and easier for him to breath. I pick off old, dead flower buds off of my wicker hanging baskets from a local Christian family-based greenhouse and landscaping. Our first person we saw walk by our home, I stopped him with good morning and a smile. The man is older and I knew where he lived , but never took the time to say hello and listen to his stories. He told me he is the oldest alive in his family from Croghan. I could tell he was kind and an Old Soul.

He was excited for the Croghan Street Fair later on to bring our village out and together once again. He added he hopes people would stop by his garage sale and visit and continue on. After getting my mail today at the post office, I made a point to not over look him. He opened my heart and eyes as I looked over his old treasures and felt the memories and love pour out of every item. As I shopped, I asked if he was related to a dear friend and Pastor who grew up in Croghan, lives in Port Leyden, was the Pastor at Abundant Life Fellowhiop in Boonville and now is an Elder Pastor there. He told me they are second cousins and how their fathers hunted and fished together. He added how Pastor Tabolt’s father drowned in Crystal Creek Lake in his 50s. We paused for the dead and smiled for the living. The cycle is always flowing. I admired him and stopped judging him based upon what I heard in town and judged with my own eyes. Everything was well-organized, reasonably priced and displayed just right. I picked out three gifts that spoke to my soul. He only asked $7 and I gave him a $10 and told him to get a cold drink at the Croghan Street Fair. He wanted to give me change back and I said everything comes back around.

The Croghan Street Fair is a great social time for the existing extended families, connected exhibitors and new and old shoppers to help and share –baked goods, produce, food trucks, local artisans and live local musicians plus the local stores extending their hours to promote our village. Although it is too much walking for my Dad as he gets his strength and breathing stronger –he enjoys looking out his window, sitting on our front porch or resting as the voices sing through the walls of our home.

After my Dad and I feed our minds, bodies and spirits he will prepare salads from local, fresh farm eggs (a family friend), vegetables from local Mennonite stores and lettuce and spinach from our raised beds. We respect one another and he allows me to finish writing this blog before dinner .Then as the sun starts to lower in the west over Tabolt’s farm, I will step out on the streets like past visitors and residents of Croghan many years ago. I can see the success and thriving village throughout time–past present and future.

Thank you Village of Croghan–I no longer feel like an outsider. Blessings!!!

This Friday afternoon I finished work early.

The snowstorm is coming in for the weekend, so I decided to

get out in the neighboring town.

Tomorrow I will stay home and clean, hunker in.

Without giving too many details, this week has been challenging.

Facial gestures, silence, hurtful words from others brought on the end of the week’s tears.

Today I sat in my warm car and looked out at the trees and sky in the park

and cried. I do not cry often, but when I do, it is needed.

Maybe I am too sensitive, but I want to be a caring and giving person.

I am always trying to be kind, but it hurts when others are rude to my generosity.

I try and move on quickly and reach out to friends and family who appreciate my heart and spirit.

Like most of us, we learn who to be close with and who to walk away from.

After wiping away the tears, I treated myself to some nice gifts.

If you give all the time, yes, you need to give back to yourself.

I do not expect others to give me gifts or return the giving.

I enjoy being my father’s caregiver.

Checking in with my mother on the phone.

The first to reach out often to friends and family.

Giving to others in churches and the community.

However, I need to set boundaries to those who do not appreciate my deeds.

We all need to be respectful of one another and ourselves.

I am thankful most of my friends and family are good.

Self-Reminder– focus my energy on them.

I have been enjoying winter break from substitute teaching.

It has been good to get caught back up on my sleep.

I am trying to eat healthier and walk more with my dog.

The week has also allowed me to finish a library book.

Completing a book always makes me feel better.

I have gone to coffee places to write and write some at home too.

Always a treat.

There has been more time to connect with friends through texts, calls, cards and lunch dates.

There is the endless cleaning of owning a big home, but joy to see results.

It’s fun getting out and shopping locally and supporting the small businesses.

We all need a break from our routines–whether it is an hour, day or week.

Find time for others, but also alone time.

Do what you love.

While I do not remember the stories told in elementary school about the origin of Valentine’s Day.

I do have fond memories of classroom parties and feeling excited and happy.

My favorite part of the day was exchanging hand-written Valentine’s cards.

I have always loved cards–no matter what the occasion. They speak from the heart.

When I was growing older, I enjoyed chocolates and roses from boyfriends.

As the many of years have gone by, these gifts have disappeared in my life.

However, I now give chocolates to my friends and family.

Yesterday, was different. I stopped and bought myself some roses to love myself more.

If you have a special friend, companion, wife or husband surprise them tomorrow and show your love.

If you are alone–be kind to yourself and do something nice for yourself.

Spread the love and light.

Last night I had symptoms of coming down with a cold.

I went to bed early.

This morning I decided to stay home from work, so I would not get more run down for the rest of the week. 

Once again, I have enjoyed the quiet time to relax with my dog.

My Dad likes to sit in the other room– read the newspaper, do crossword puzzles, glance out the window and listen to the radio.

Occasionally, we both nod off in our chairs.

The sun has been a blessing as it shines through our home.

I have enjoyed the crisp air while taking the dog out back for his breaks. 

Throughout the day I have been grateful to have hot tea, vitamin C, chicken noodle soup, orange juice, cold medicine, cough drops and popsicles.

I am starting to feel better and am learning that sometimes my body needs more rest.

Tomorrow is a fresh start to being healthy again.

Last week we had warmer than usual temperatures and sunshine. 

It was good to get out for more walks and running errands. 

The sunshine lifted our spirits after having no sun in January. 

Today it feels cooler; however, it is still warmer for February. 

The sky is cloudy and when I drove to the neighboring town, I spotted snow still on the Tug Hill Plateau. 

It seems more quiet than usual too.

This morning I woke up and told myself I was going to treat myself to some spring-colored flowers during my errands. 

While I enjoy doing and giving things to others, I have learned over the years to give back to myself. 

As I type this blog, I smile and look up at my bouquet of roses.

Give to others and yourself when you can. 

Blessings over you my friends and family.

I am moving on from feeling alone and sad. Self-care, prayers, friends, family, my therapist and doctors help me feel better. 

Time and distance also allow my heart and mind to heal.

We are still lacking sunlight in Northern New York State this winter.

However, the days are getting longer and we had a January thaw this week.

The warmer days allow me to get out and walk with my dog in town and snowshoe.

When we do get sunshine or warmer weather, my spirit and energy lift.

The simple gifts of looking out my bay window and watching the two pairs of cardinals, morning doves, juncos, sparrows, woodpeckers and squirrels eat at our feeders brings me joy.

Birthday celebrations of my son and myself during this month of January are uplifting. 

Home-cooked dinners with my father bring comfort in our toasty home.

Laughing at Netflix shows I watch some evenings in my recliner while snuggled with my afghan made by my grandmother and my dog close by my side. 

Connecting with old and new friends to share stories about our days also helps pass the winter nights.

Winter is a time to rest and reflect especially in the evenings.

Continue to care for others and yourself.

However, get out and work, volunteer, worship, socialize, eat out, shop,

and exercise if you are able.

Move through winter with grace and know we are getting closer to spring.